Wednesday, August 30, 2006

American nonsense sayings series: Break a leg

If you have ever spoken with me, you probably have heard my rant about inferior (compared to Spanish) American sayings. "Slipped my butter", "Break a leg", "Like water running down the goose's back", "Serious as a heart attack", etc., etc.

American sayings are very grim not to mention cryptic. I am going to get some "grub". I am not sure what this "grub" is but I would never guess you would want to eat something that sounds that bad. Well, they say that when in Rome you should do as the Romans do (again, w00t? do you mean speak Italian, wear a toga and complain about Americans? why would you do that??--disclaimer: I love all of the above including Rome, togas and Italians). This does go along with my belief that you should blend in the culture of a country you visit rather than disturb its culture with your presence while at the same time sprinkling some of your culture's goodies.

Then, it is not surprising that while I try to sprinkle my igno... I mean American friends with our superior Spanish sayings ("The donkey talking about ears", "Slower than a caraban of lame people"--a non PC saying, "Slower than a tar IV"--its PC substitute, etc., etc.), I too have assimilated and acquired some of these sayings and included them in my every day language. That is how often, I explain to my boss that he is "Preaching to the choir" (probably not PC), or how come I can be "dead serious" (I am not serious very often just to be on the safe side), see people "buck nekkid" (I recently learned that a buck is a deer type thing-- I also recently learned you don't say butt naked, but buck nekkid) and even "feel butterflies in my stomach" (which I am not sure how I feel them because I have never had butterflies over a meal).

The one thing I will never ever ever ever (I know, never say never) assimilate to the death wishes of the famous "Break a leg", regardless of where the saying comes from and especially after what happened last night:

Last night, after a healthy dose of music practice and TV watching (do not bother with this stupid show called Celebrity duet--gag), I pondered on my next steps. Really, literarilly pondered my next steps as my foot was asleep which meant I had to get up form the floor and figure out how to make the numb foot not tingle like it did. Since sitting down would make it tingle more, I remained standing, until the numbness was almost gone. That's when it happened. I noticed the plates from dinner were still sitting on the table. Normally Jamil does a nightly routine which includes putting stuff away, but yesterday I decided it would be ridiculuos since there was only 1 desset ceramic place, one take-out plastic container and 1 fork left.

I forced myself to be nice and take the plates to the kitchen. Then in the kitchen decided I should go all the way and actually throw away the plastic container rather than my initial "I will just put it in the sink tonight and throw it away tomorrow thought". And so it was that I proceeded to throw the plastic container away while still holding the dessert plate and fork thinking "Let's do it this way so that I do not dirty the counter with any food residue there might be on the bottom of the dessert plate".

And that I did. I put the plastic plate in the trash can but the lid closed back on it while it was still sticking out, then I pushed the trash further in (still holding the other two items). So I thought, I am never going to make it with my hands this busy. The great idea: "Shove it in real quick then retrieve your hands so that the lid will close quickly". 3 seconds later as I lost my grip on everything and saw the ceramic plate fly in the air while the plastic container pushed its way out of the trash, I realized this might have not been such a good idea. But, I was convinced when even though I could not see the ceramic plate near me my foot was throbbing in pain. Then I heard the plate bounce on my right side and roll and finally break on my left side.

Thought number 1: Oh! Crap, I hope I am not bleeding!! We only have light colored sheets!
Thought number 2: Ok, the plate only broke once.
Thought number 3: the broken side of the plate looks like a knife I better look under my sock.

And then, whoa!! there is no blood but my foot hurts... A LOT!

Thought number 4: Where are my toes?
Thought number 5, 6 and 7: That was really noisy, I can't really put any weight on my left foot, now why would Jamil not come see what happened, what if I had died?!

Moments later I say sweetheart loud as can be and there came my trusty hubby who looked like his thought process was something like:
Thought number 1: Patricia is making too much noise in the kitchen, I can't hear my WoW game.
Thought number 2: Maybe something happened I will call her out and that will make everything better no need to get up from the computer.
Thought number 3: Silence... that's more like it (this likely happened while I was trying to determine where my toes were).
Thought number4: There she is calling again!
Thought number 5 (as he entered the kitchen): Oh oh, I hope she is not bleeding (and when I confirmed I wasn't: I am glad she is not bleeding).
Thought number 6: OK I now have located all plate pieces, put the fork in the sink and the plastic bowl in the trash, can I go back to play.

But little did he know that going away was not that easy. I couldn't put any weight on my foot and he couldn't put any of my wegith on him without threatening to hurt my foot.

Patricia's thought number 8: I knew I should have gone on that diet!

So after many attempts and ideas, I made it to bed, propped my foot up and put ice on it. I have never broken anything, but this hurt more than anything I have ever felt before (other than those darn menstrual pains in the winter), which made me think it was broken. Jamil, who is used to me thinking stuff is broken, ignored this but suggested we go to the emergency room. I am known for exaggerating and I was pretty sure that pain was not like anything I have ever felt before but the way I figured, hmmm, well, there was NO WAY I would go to the ER unless I was dying. Let me say that again, NO WAY especially at 11PM or so when everyone chooses to get shot and stab themselves or have heart attacks and food poisoning. The way I saw it, I had never heard of anyone dying of a broken bone and the thought of a doctor trying to put stuff in place in my foot and paying a $100+ medical bill later helped me win my case.

In the end, I slept the night. I was able to walk around 2AM when nature called in the middle of my sleep. Mark (our good friend and WoW companion for Jamil) suggested this would indicate non-brokenness. My sleepy sister suggested if it was broken I would be in horrible pain the next day. I took my chances and although it hurts, I can live. However, I will never wish anyone to "break a leg" and especially not "break a foot".

Stupid American sayings!


Chandra said...

Who says "slipped my butter?!?" Is that a Southern thing?

Never before have I heard a kitchen accident told with such style! :)

Reading your post made me laugh myself silly. I'm as happy as a pig in a poke. I'm nuts about your post. I'm on cloud nine!

I really am glad you didn't break anything.

Because that would be a cryin' shame. I'd be torn up about it. I'd hate to see you so under the weather.

Dang. It's hard to think of idioms off the cuff!

Patricia said...

Sadly, my beautiful, ballet twirling, medicine studying, overachieving, super duper smart middle sister who needs her feet more than I do, really did break her foot about a week later. She got one of them old-style heavy casts. Love ya sis!

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